If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
