this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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