i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
