I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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