my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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