I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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