I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
