It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
