Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize