Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
