I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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