Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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