i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
