im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
