I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I look better un-naked...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
