He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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