tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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