Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
