I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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