He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
