I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
