i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
