I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Holy sore nipples Batman
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
