Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
