I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize