Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
