Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
