no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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