Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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