I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
