...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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