Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
