What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
