Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
