i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
