i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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