I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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