omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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