Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
