News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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