i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
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