guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
