if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
where are my eyebrows?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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