So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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