dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
