even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Drake has all the answers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
