i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
