Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
