Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
