At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize