Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
