ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
