I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
