He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
