This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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