You just made me feel so damn special
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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