Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
