I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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