I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize