Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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