why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
