My liver just broke up with me...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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