He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i think my cat just said my name.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
