Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
