ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My cat gives me a boner
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
