low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
