Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
