First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
